Six Things I Learned About Myself When I Stopped Working

15 months ago I stopped working.  After 4 years of going to college and working 2 jobs, 4 years of graduate school, 3 years of postdoctoral training, 6 years of working for a biotech company, 2 years as a scientist in someone else’s lab and 1.5 years of trying to run my own lab, we made our final move to Massachusetts and I couldn’t find a job that I wanted to do.  So I stopped working outside of the home and became a SAHM.

BAM, just like that.

A lot of things changed and a lot of things didn’t and I learned some new things about myself:

I am not a domestic diva.  When I was working full time outside of the home our house was often messy.  Not downright dirty, but untidy.  I always managed to cover the basics, but my house was seldom sparkly clean with everything in the right place. I always thought, if only I had more time at home, my house would look spectacular.  Guess what?  Nothing has really changed.  My house is still messy because I really don’t enjoy cleaning all that much.  I do what is necessary, but I would rather be working outside in the garden or taking Number 5 on an adventure.  And now I also spend a considerable amount of time chasing goats that have devised a new way to escape their pen :/

I did not acquire a fathomless well of patience.  Becoming a SAHM did not instantly grant me with more patience.  A good fairy did not float down, tap me on the head with a magic wand and bestow infinite patience on me.  My nerves are still frazzled after a day of repeating myself 10 times to be heard.

The dinner time crunch is still difficult.  Even though I have been home all day, my kids are still cranky and needy when I am trying to make dinner.

There are still only 24 hours in the day.  When I worked outside the home, I would daydream about all the time I would have if I didn’t have a job.  I envisioned myself taking gardening classes, growing all of our food, running a small farm, maybe even taking up an instrument again.  Ha ha.  My days as a SAHM are just as full as when I worked an outside job.

I get lonely.  It’s hard to move to a new place, meet new people and find friends.  It is even harder when you are not leaving the house everyday to go out to a job.  I really didn’t appreciate how much of my social life was wrapped up in my job.  I guess I should have realized this, given my handicap as a scientist.  But I didn’t. Starting this blog helped with that, but now I am afraid that I have become one of those people who only has a virtual life….

I can’t not work.  I think the most important and surprising thing I learned about myself is that it is hard for me to define myself without another job.  I obtain a lot of my self-worth from the work that I do outside of the home.  I would love to be able to say that I am completely fulfilled raising my children and taking care of my home – but that just isn’t me.  I found myself getting depressed, crabby and feeling useless.  So, 7 months after I became a SAHM, I started doing freelance science writing and editing and became a part-time WAHM.

And it seems to be working for me.